that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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