gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
