I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
