I cockslap morals
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
