I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
