You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You smell like stripper and shame
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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