I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize