my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
