You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
this boner is exhausting
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
