I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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