Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
