I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
