You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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