Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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