Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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