omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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