Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
