For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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