My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
