her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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