I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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