I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
