i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
