Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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