I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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