oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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