You smell like stripper and shame
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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