Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
