When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize