I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
