You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
