I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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