And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was born a porn star she said
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
