if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize