Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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