Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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