I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
