Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
