remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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