So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
