this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
