I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
