So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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