Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
