yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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