someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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