um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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