ya dads aren't the best wingmen
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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