Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
