I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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