wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
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