dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
