she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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