I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
