____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
