I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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