Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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