I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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