I bet he comes in French.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
