Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
