Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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