He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
